Halloween entry: Tough questions.

I always knew I was scared of dying. The idea of seizing to exist, made me instantly nervous. Life is a gift, I understand that now and just as easily as I wake up every morning, I could just not. Death is coming and I know, we all know it. The looming cloud of darkness that walks alongside us, in the shadows waiting to creep up on us when we least expect it. Today I involuntarily watched a video of someone die and I thought I could spot the exact moment when everything went black for him. I found that scared me more than any horror movie (trailer tbh) could ever scare me. A few months back I went on a site who’s name I honestly can’t remember and I watched a video that shook me to my core. Disclaimer here, for anyone who has a weak stomach, it’s about to get gory. In this video there was a small group of people, mostly young men sitted on the ground in what looked like a jungle of some sort. Some other men stood over them holding rifles, they were dressed in turbans. One of the men in the turbans held a machete and stood next to a large pit in the ground. A few seconds in, and one of the men in turbans, one with a gun, prompted one of the sitted men and he stood up and walked over to the pit, lying down next to the man holding the machete. Before the man holding the machete leaned over and in the most casual and effortless way possible, hacked at the man’s neck, striking him three times before his head detached from his body. After he was done he kicked the man and his dismembered head into the pit and stood up straight, looking over at the man with the gun.
The same thing happened to three more of the men before I lost my nerve and stopped watching the video. I didn’t realise I still remembered this video until now but I can’t remember ever being so horrified. It was so rhythmic and soul crushing to watch those men walk over to their death so hopelessly and to watch the butcher hack away at their flesh in such a casual manner. The second victim had to get held down, not because he was against being hacked to death, but simply because of the involuntary spasms his body experienced when its head was chopped off.
Now as I contemplate my fear of death I reflect on my passive, somewhat far away interactions with death and I can’t believe how terified I am of it. Today I offer no solutions, I simply offer questions, are we living to die? Is death a punishment for living? The price to pay? Could hope be so lost in life that death is a welcomed release? As we approach halloween, is death something we should fear or is it something to embrace and celebrate? I honestly don’t know the answers to these questions, but I will continue to ask them, as I continue to reflect and normalize my fear of my mortality.