29/12/19 Something real.

Haunted, by an inherent loneliness, something so deep and so crippling. A kind of crippling that quietly and slowly made me push away and hide from any real relationships or interactions. The will to be alone seems to always creep into my thoughts, a little demon nudging me to abandon all who are dear to me in any sense of the word. Fear of attachment, my only enduring bad trait that had now availed me with this loneliness. In a crowd or alone the feeling seemingly creeping like a ninja and only showing itself as it strikes. I no longer have friends, but it could then be argued that I never did. A life far from what I would design but also not as terrible as it could be.
A hopeless piece of poetry to keep me at the edge of my seat. I would beg for more but I am assured by life that worse is coming. A need to form relationships seems to present itself in every interaction a need to be wanted,loved and endered. But at the presentation of flourishing relation, the katana glints in the shadows and a shriek of pain comes like a burst of beautiful symphony and for a second if you look closely you could see the menacing grin on my face as I relish the power. The ability to give and take pain and bliss as if a god I have metamorphosised into. Love not truly being a prospect as I had given it to those undeserving of it and taken it from the faithful companions who seeked to worship at my altar. Still not understanding the complexities of this random but undoubtedly beautiful creation. Lost in a world that is not mine to control but only to behold and play subject to. In the end the loneliness sticks, I am unable to escape it and now my days are more deliberately planned and reflected on and as I wake up I need to remind myself how to carry on. Thanks to my dark disposition.