Maybe I am not everything I think I am.

So if you follow me on social media you probably know that I’ve been reading the subtle art of not giving a f*ck by Mark Manson for a few weeks now. I recently got to a chapter called, “you’re wrong about everything (but so am I)”, and in this chapter mark talks about a law he developed called, the law of avoidance. Manson’s law of avoidance simply states that the more something threatens your identity, the more you avoid it. He gives the example of a friend of his who was a party person, always going out and drinking and partying. This friend always said how much he envied those friends of his who had settled down and had lifetime partners and families. He always wanted this for himself but still every night he went out to party. Mark argues that this is because the party person was a way this friend of his viewed himself and that he was afraid of settling down because it would challenge this view of himself. While reading this chapter I was overly aware of my own sense of identity, how much I have taken time to try and find out who I am and to define myself. It occurred to me that even at home, where I live with my mom and sister I created a narrative in my head that I didn’t know how to cook certain meals and I didn’t for a long time. Always shying away from even trying to make these meals because in my head I was the guy who made specific dishes. This was a belief that crippled me in a way, even though I couldn’t see it. Lately I’ve chosen to drop this belief, this construct and yesterday I made one of those complicated meals and it felt so good later to taste what I’d made and how good it was.
I realize that these constructs are all around in my life. I have these concepts of myself in school, at home, at work, mentally, physically and psychologically among other aspects of my life and I am now aware of them because they are the things I tell myself everytime I’m anxious and I think everything is going to sh*t. I agree with Mark that we should never be comfortable in our own identity, that by embracing uncertainty we are able to do alot more, we are not afraid to try things and to have them fail. Because until we abandon those ideas we hold about ourselves, we cannot be able to effect change, you can’t be able to leave that abusive relationship or to ask for that promotion or even cook that dish you keep wanting to make.
I think it takes great courage to abandon what we think of ourselves. Those concepts we hold so dear, but only by doing this can we truly grow and change. So instead of defining yourself in so many words as maybe an underdog or, assuming that when you do decide to take a chance and maybe publish a blog, or write a screenplay or start a podcast that people are going to hate it or ignore it. Instead define yourself in more generalized ordinary ways, be a student, a writer, a runner, a creator and not the best or the worst but simply that. This, Mark offers as a recommendation on how to live a better more fulfilling life. Avoid being narcissistic by assuming that special things will happen to you, and accept simply that you are ordinary, that you have ordinary dreams and that your problems are ordinary. I know it’s counterintuitive, but lately I have discovered that to accomplish certain goals you have to stop trying to accomplish them.